IN BREAKING NEWS:
- Little of importance took place in Australia in the weeks following the equinox. The nation’s TV screens were awash with gambling advertisements, interspersed with a few minutes of various footie finals. Racism was briefly mentioned by several former AFL players, but their claims were soon forgotten as the crowds roared and the bookies collected.
- For much of the past fortnight the nation has seemingly been preoccupied with the London funeral of an elderly German lady. Britons queued in their millions for up to a day to view a varnished wooden box. Nobody was allowed to say anything about colonialism or racism, on pain of banishment. The British Army put on one of its trademark displays of precision marching, a spectacle not rivalled since Arnhem in 1944. Various Royals performed their ceremonial duties admirably. The late monarch’s corgis looked uncomfortable being minded by their new master, the Loch Ness Noncer formerly known as Prince Andrew. The tolerant British public even made a show of welcoming back the exiles Harry and Meghan, though neither expressed much interest in going for a romantic evening drive around Paris.
- While all this was going on the British pound fell to its lowest level in 40 years. Newly-crowned PM Truss says it was a mere hiccup, all part of a cunning plan which would be revealed in the fullness of time, and tried to blame the godless President Putin.
- In America, the worst hurricane in decades levelled much of Florida, though the palatial golfing estate of former President Creosote was somehow spared. The rotund financial genius was elsewhere at the time, busily declassifying documents by thinking about them. The entire Creosote clan is now facing fraud charges, which should surprise few.
- In Australia, shredders all over Canberra were frenziedly grinding away into the small hours as dozens of former Liberal Ministers & staffers hurried to destroy evidence ahead of the looming Federal ICAC hearings. Some voters, while welcoming the corruption probe, were dismayed that most of the hearings would be held behind closed doors. A Labor spokesman explained that televising all the ICAC hearings would tend to bore the viewing public and might lessen network revenues from important advertisers like fast food chains, bookmakers, and Harvey Norman.
- Almost a third of adult Australians have lost personal data in yet another instance of corporate incompetence. Optus is the guilty party in this case, the telco giant having fallen victim to hackers with the apparent reading level of a nine-year-old. Passports and drivers’ licences by the million will have to be replaced. Media commentators are struggling to explain why such a powerful company did not have better security, while insisting that the claim that such corporations have a duty of care is rank socialism. Several notable Liberals are or have been well-placed in upper Optus management, including former federal Communications boss Paul Felsher and disgraced NSW Premier Gladys BinChikian. Neither was available for comment.
- With the change of seasons, finally, comes yet another fire season. Greenies will once again be blamed for starting bushfires, many will wonder what happened to all those millions promised by the last Federal government, small townships will be wiped out, and climate deniers will dominate the ABC’s current affairs programs. At least we’ll be spared the shameful vision of a Prime Minister slinking off to Hawaii as half the nation burns. Can’t run too far when you’re due in the witness box next morning, eh Scottie? Try to enjoy your week. It won’t be long before we get to spend some of those lovely new King Charles fivers! 😄