AceNewsDesk – Readers will be familiar with ‘Goodbye’, the last episode of Blackadder Goes Forth. The episode follows Captain Blackadder’s attempts to escape a major offensive on the Western Front by attempting to feign madness. After putting pants on his head and sticking pencils up his nose prove ineffective in convincing his commanding officers, he resigns himself to his fate

@acenewsservices

Ace Press News From Cutting Room Floor: Published: May.05: 2024: Conservative Home By William AtkinsonMay 5, 2024: TELEGRAM Ace Daily News Link https://t.me/YouMeUs2 

As the men take their trench positions for the big push, Blackadder rejects one final “cunning plan” from Baldrick but admits it might have been better than his faking insanity. After all, he confesses, “who would have noticed another madman round here?” The men go over the top, straight into machine gun fire, the scene dissolving into a field of poppies, only birdsong in the background.

Even for those not hot on the show’s “Lions Led by Donkeys” vision of the First World War – I prefer Clark Senior – the sequence is rather moving.

Although the immediate link to the local elections isn’t obvious, such is the slightly surreal way in which my mind works, that it sprung forth when I read that the anti-Sunak plotters had given up, accepted their fate, and sodded off to the pub.

As the news trickled through that Ben Houchen had clung on to Tees Valley – with a respectable 12.3 per cent lead, even with a 19.2 per cent swing against him – the rebels seemed to have circulated their drinking plans to hacks wanting if the big push was still on. Even as she called for a Cincinnatus chairmanship, Andrea Jenkyns admitted it was unlikely letters would go in to oust Sunak.

For much of yesterday, CCHQ had seemingly done a decent job at expectation management. 473 lost councillors were in line with expectations, if at the higher end.

Cabinet ministers unlucky enough to be stuck on the media round at least had Harlow to seize on to argue that not all was going Keir Starmer’s way. Could those rumours coming out of the Bromley count be true?

Richard Holden, with his best poker face, has suggested these results were “typical for a government mid-term”. Leaving aside that this line has been trotted out for the last two years, and one could almost, squinting hard enough, see his logic.

Weren’t these last contested in 2021, during Johnson’s vaccine bounce? Pro bono publico, no bloody panico. Only a 9 per cent lead!

Yet even with a few bright spots – Houchen clinging on, Labour losing Oldham, Gosforth going Tory – reality cannot be fooled.

This is not ‘mid-term’; these results are not typical. We are hurtling towards a general election defeat like Thelma and Louise. For those in the Number 10 bunker, this should be their Downfall moment. If Nigel Farage returns, we could be on track for Canada 1993.

For any foreigner weird enough to care, our local elections must seem bizarre.

Once a year, we stage a patchwork national opinion poll, where whoever does best in a particular area gets the honour of temporarily managing bin collections. As hard as our Tory officeholders work, our system of local government is confusing, underpowered, and bankrupt. It cannot stagger on for long.

But if we insist on going through with this state-sponsored MRP poll, we should treat it honestly. So, I repeat: these elections have only confirmed that the Conservatives are heading for the electoral equivalent of the Chicxulub asteroid impact (except this time one or two dinosaurs might survive). Ignore the vote shares, Holden’s Comical Ali routine, and Sunak’s desperate smiles.

Angry ex-councillors can take comfort in knowing many MPs will soon join them in the job centre. Conservatives lost everywhere. Redditch, Thurrock, Basildon, Rushmoor, Dorset, Hartlepool. The outcome was the same: Red Wall or Blue Wall, Left or Right, competent or clueless. The voters are sick of us and want us out. Rearranging the Titanic’s deckchairs won’t change a smidge.

That we came only 117 votes ahead of Reform UK in Blackpool South was allowed to obscure the fact we suffered the third-largest swing in post-war history.

It was more than double that is required for a Labour majority. Houchen’s success overshadowed the losses in the East Midlands and York and North Yorkshire, areas where most MPs are Conservatives, including one Rishi Sunak.

That was all before the West Midlands result. I have immense respect for Andy Street. He is a lovely man who has worked tirelessly for his region. The swing against him was lower than that against Houchen. But his excruciating loss is a sign that enthusiasm or distancing yourself from Sunak cannot stop the tidal wave. People care more about your party affiliation than your personal record.

We started yesterday being told we might win in London. We ended it by losing one of the two Conservatives CCHQ thought voters liked.

What does whichever unlucky ministers shoved on this morning’s media round have to cling to? Houchen will be lauded. But his unwillingness to wear his own party’s rosette – accidental or not – tells a little too much. It’s my party, and…

Half our council seats – and twelve authorities – gone. Third place behind the Liberal Democrats. Eleven mayoral races lost out of twelve. Due to the lethargic way in which the results were counted, the true extent of the pain has almost been dulled. The more one considers it, the more it seems the anti-Sunak lot stood down too early. Weren’t these the results they were hoping for?

Yet the fight seems to have gone out of the rebels. Jenkyns, Simon Clarke, and Suella Braverman – all persistent Sunak critics – have called for mythical “policy changes”, but not demand an immediate resignation. The hope amongst some is that Sunak can own the coming loss, allowing the right to swoop in post-election. The flaw in their logic is that it relies on keeping their seats.

It would rely on HMS Sword-Carrier not only being able to appease both the party’s left and right, but mimic Johnson in 2019, except without Vote Leave, the benefit of the doubt, or the overwhelming need to Get Brexit Done.

But it’s hard to see what, say, installing Penny Mordaunt as a boat-stopping, strike-breaking, ocean-going vehicle of electoral salvation might achieve.

There’s nothing to stop the Prime Minister’s critics from buying ad space in the Telegraph to print “WE TOLD YOU SO” in big friendly letters. But one doesn’t sense the appetite for crowing. As with Blackadder accepting his appalling fate, there is a widespread air of resignation. Our survey and suggests the general assumption is that Sunak going would only make things worse. Our time is up.

The big push can only be avoided for so long. In a year, the Prime Minister has brought the party precisely nowhere. Even those once optimistic that he could be Johnson but competent have lost the appetite. Reboots have rung hollow. We are 20 points behind and commanding under a fifth of the vote. Rwanda is a dud, Farage will return, and the voters are miserable. Why cling on?

There will be no cunning plans. Notwithstanding the ability of Tory MPs to shoot themselves in the foot, it seems that Sunak has done terribly enough to have earnt the right to lead us slowly towards the guns later this year at the head of his denuded infantry. Our former Editor once wrote of our party in a Totentanz – a dance of death. This will be a slow, painful, and hopeless march.

I’m very sorry to all those who lost. I can offer nothing but sympathy, guilt, and anger. I also have very little advice for those standing later this year, currently attempting to defy gravity for CCHQ, or for a Prime Minister I voted for and still admire. Well, perhaps one small suggestion. Have you tried sticking underpants on your head and pencils up your nose?

Goodbyeee

At Sterling Publishing & Media Service Agency, we value transparency and accountability. We want to inform you that we are not responsible for any external content, links, or posts. Nonetheless, we are dedicated to providing exceptional services and sincerely appreciate your support. Thank you.

@acenewsservices