Australian News

IN BREAKING NEWS:

• Conservative Australia remains in a state of frenzied outrage today as newly-elected Labor leader Antonio Average continues to behave in a non-Prime Ministerial fashion. The gravamen of their complaints seems to be that Mr. Average, who has had important meetings with the leaders of NATO, France, and Ukraine, would have been far more useful being photographed nodding at flooded homes and towns back in Australia. “What’s he doing lounging around the fleshpots of Europe while people are being driven from their homes in the fourth once-in-a-century flood in the past 18 months, that’s what right-thinking Australians want to know?” whined Nationals boss David Littleknob. “Why isn’t he back where he belongs, shaking hands with people who don’t want to know him, sacking SES bosses, intimidating people the way Scottie used to?”
• In London, meanwhile, British PM Boris Bunter appears unfazed by the overnight resignation of 40 MPS and staffers who say they no longer have confidence in his leadership. The portly partier insists he will weather the storm and steer the ship of state into calmer waters, but the odds are against him. “It’s not just that Boris is venal and dishonest and lies to the House all the time, ” said maverick MP the Hon. Felicity Creamcheese, ” I mean, in that regard he’s no worse than the rest of us. It’s just that he keeps getting caught breaking the lockdown rules and giving jobs to his cronies, and it makes life tough for us to keep up the masquerade that we give a fuck about people, you know?”
• In Perth, veteran elephant Tricia, long the doyenne of the local zoo, has finally passed on at age 65. It is not known whether any other pachyderms threatened to resign.
• Australia’s sporting reputation is in safe hands as modest tennis player Nick Kyrgios powers his way through to the Wimbledon semi-finals. The soft-spoken charmer, currently facing domestic violence charges back home, appeared undistracted, so focused on his job that he barely had time to smash racquets or abuse officials, fans, or reporters. It is understood the Liberal Party has shown interest in Mr. Kyrgios as a candidate for the 2025 federal elections.
• Shadow Education Minister Alan ‘Todger’ Tudge has ramped up calls for a more positive approach to the teaching of Australian history in our schools. The noted champion of family values didn’t use the term ‘black armband theory of history,’ but he might as well have done. Observers pointed out it was a curious way to celebrate NAIDOC week, but not surprising, given the Todger’s Houdini-like ability to rewrite his domestic narrative with the aid of a furtive half-million in hush money from anonymous sources.
• Much of NSW remains underwater. More than 100,000 citizens have had to be evacuated. Few appeared impressed with the previous Government’s plans to sit around on their well-polished arses waiting for new technology while continuing to build more coal-fired power plants. None of those stranded on sodden rooftops seem to have read the famous pamphlet which so wowed delegates to the Glasgow climate conference. Sky News pundits achieved astonishing contortions in their attempts to blame Dan Andrews for the whole mess. Peta, Bronnie, Prue, Paul, and the rest of that jolly crew seem as yet unaware that attempts to compare this government with its predecessor are doomed to fail in the public mind since the Moronson administration set the bar for conduct so low that it’s almost impossible to match.
• African-born wellness advocate Sussan Riley is acting as Leader of the Opposition for the next fortnight, while Lord Potato does his Smaug impersonation and lurks in a dismal cave somewhere recharging his batteries and planning his next murderous move. Disgruntled staffers are said to be seeking career changes, unhappy at being forced to wear T-shirts announcing LIVE LAUGH LOVE to press conferences. “Those shirts are bad enough,” confided one unhappy spinmeister, “but we’ve all had it up to here with that fucking dolphin music in the background.” *In the US, finally, President Biden has greeted the news of yet another mass murder by yet another deranged young white man with yet another press conference, asking in a poignantly trembling voice “What in God’s name is wrong with America?” and then doing absolutely nothing about gun control. In other news from the Land of the Free, a man has scoffed more than 60 hot dogs in mere minutes, a public display of gluttony and waste which pretty well answers the President’s question. Seven weeks now without footage of carpentry, curries, or piss-stained chinos dominating the evening news. How will we ever survive these dark days without Scottie’s example to cheer us along? So far, so good. Enjoy the rest of your week 😁