IN BREAKING NEWS
- With Australia only ten days away from the chance to end a decade of Christian Taliban misrule, opinion-makers are struggling to keep a lid on things. Opposition Leader Antonio Average has survived an avalanche of trivial MSM nit-picking to maintain a ten-point lead in the polls – something that was not part of the script. The boyish apparatchik’s latest blunder involves his insistence that the minimum wage needs to be increased. Pundits of all persuasions, including those employed by the allegedly impartial ABC, have insisted that 38c an hour would bankrupt the country.
“It’s an outrage and shows Labor has no understanding of finance,” snarled outgoing PM Scrote Mortenson, who has no formal qualifications in economics. “We can’t afford it. There’s Jobkeeper and the price of sending coal to Ukraine to consider,” the plump marketing whiz complained. “Do you have any idea how much those VIP flights on RAAF planes cost? Not to mention all that red carpet! And how on earth are we gonna keep making those payments to the French for not building our submarines, eh? These pinkos have no sense of prioritizing matters. Jen put this in a new light. She said to me over last night’s curry, ‘We should pay the French first. They’re white, aren’t they?'”
- Exiled front-bencher Alan Nudge will be free to re-enter the Cabinet if re-elected, according to the PM’s spokesman. The high-flying education supremo has been rusticated for most of this year after the Liberal Party paid a $500,000 bribe to his former inamorata so she wouldn’t pursue assault charges. It is thought Mr. Nudge is in line to be the next Minister for Women since Barnaby Beetroot will probably be too busy & Andrew Laming’s leaving Parliament to spend more time with his camera.
- Former Neighbours and Rocky Horror star Craig McGrunt faces an ongoing battle to clear his name in court, suing various media outlets for having published accounts by several young female stars claiming he’d gone the grope. The craggy thespian thus joins the ranks of other privileged twats like Andrew Laming, Barnaby Beetroot, Prince Andrew, Bill Cosby, and Ben Roberts-Smith in the unwarranted assumption that celebrity & collegial support would shield their awful conduct from scrutiny. Thus far, the results aren’t all that promising. The only thing worse than listening to your lawyers is NOT listening to your lawyers.
- In dependable Queensland, meanwhile, veteran One Nation founder Pauline Rabid has terrified a gullible audience with the sort of scientific breakthrough usually reserved for supermarket tabloids. Global warming is not caused by carbon emissions, apparently, but by an endless chain of subterranean volcanos bubbling away where the media can’t see them. “Think of our oceans just heating up again and again with all that boiling smegma!” the eloquent senator wailed. “It’s not carbon! Carbon’s what we live on! If the government says they want to take away carbon, then what they’re saying is they want to get rid of us.”
- In Washington, meanwhile, President Dozing reminded Americans of how tough recent history has been. “We had to endure four years of plague, then two years of COVID,” the elderly statesman nostalgic. It was also revealed that former Republican President Creosote had wanted to destroy Mexican drug laboratories by sending in drones. “Nobody would have to know it was us,” the rotund salesman is alleged to have said. Whether the Adderall-chomping huckster had recently viewed the Phil Noyce flick ‘Clear and Present Danger has not been established, but it seems some people drift through public duties unaware of the difference between life and art. Those Australians old enough to recall might now be feeling as if it’s 1972 revisited. The difference is that McMahon’s mob was mostly incompetent rather than corrupt, not having learned the neo-liberal doctrine that government’s a waste of time unless it can convert taxpayer dollars to the personal wealth of government members & their corporate backers. If Mr. Average can just stick to the script, keep a lid on his temper and not allow himself to be sidetracked into squabbles over meaningless stats (“Why doesn’t he know this figure, that figure, that percentage?”) then the country still has a chance.
With reasonable luck, by this time next year, we should all be enjoying the sight of jittery people with names like Morrison, Robert, McKenzie, Robb, Sinodinos, Cash, Ley, Joyce, and others of their ilk as they sweat through days of Federal ICAC testimony.
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